February 20, 2010

Here I am again, perhaps it's been too long this time. Like I have mentioned countless times before, this is much like a journal to me. Whenever I go a length of time without posting on here or writing about my life, I get that little feeling of guilt, like something is missing - a little like I have purposefully sinned. I know that seems a little overboard, but it seems that a lot of things in my life have seemed that way for a time now. I feel like there's just things that I'm not doing. Not that what I'm doing is wrong, or sinful, but rather that my lack of doing certain things or acts is sinful. So many little things in my life need to be corrected. I have a little organizing to do in my life. Nothing huge mind you. Like I mentioned before, It's not like I went out and committed "O Sétimo" or something like that. But even despite that, I really need to take some time to examine my life and get it in order.

I need to get my scripture study back. I have to be honesty with myself. It absolutely pains my heart to admit this, but I honestly can't remember the last time I opened the scriptures out of my own free will to study them. Knowing that is a horrible feeling. I have just gotten so lackadaisical in everything I do. I miss those spiritual experiences the scriptures provide. I see really good people in my ward or around me, and I just know they have something there that I'm lacking. I want that back. I want to open the pathway between me and my Heavenly Father again. I want to be ready to receive revelation whenever He decides I'm ready for it. Because to be honesty, I haven't been ready to receive revelation in a time. Whenever someone mentions spiritual feelings or experiences, my mind always goes back to the mission. Why is that? Why does it have to be like that? I want my mind to go to some experience I had that week! not that I had a year ago.

I'm sitting here at the verge of tears because I know how in the wrong I actually am. I guess this is how repentance is supposed to feel. I've known that I've been wrong for quite some time now, but I'm finally coming to accept that for myself. It's what I always wanted my investigators to do on the mission - come to realize that they were in the wrong, but that they could indeed come back. It's happening to me right now. I miss everything about being sure on that path. I want to be there.

I need to go to the temple. I miss it.

I need to get my mind back in school.

I need to communicate prayerfully with my Heavenly Father more often.

I need to put myself in social settings to be prepared for to find my eternal companion when the appropriate time has come, because I just have been too proud to put myself out there.

The time is now. I want and know I can do it. I will no longer avoid this journal. I will put my feelings out there, and thus doing so will draw closer to my Heavenly Father once again.

Monday, January 18, 2009

Time continues moving on, and I am perfectly content. Unfortunately, content isn't enough for me at this point. I oftimes feel like I'm missing something, like I should be doing something more, that something is lacking. I can't quite put my finger on it, but there's some kind of empty space in there. Dating? School? Friends? Spirituality? I really don't know. It's been bugging me for some time now. It's as if there's an empty little cold void in my heart. Enough being weird. Onto actual things that are going on. Well in reality, that is a thing that's going on, but it's not something I can go around sticking on a timeline of my life. "Andrew diagnoses self with unknown void in heart". Makes the whole thing sound comical almost.

Insanity continues to move forward nice and strong. I missed a couple workouts this past week because I was just too bogged down with school work, but I feel like I have a better control of it all, so it will all be a tad more manageable. I'm currently on week 2 right now and am really loving it. It's easily a big motivator in my life right now. I have a decent body right now, but I want an incredible one. I want one where the girls have to do a double take when I take my shirt off. I have no doubt I'll get there eventually. It's just a matter of commitment. Thus far, I feel like I'm showing the commitment, getting up early in the morning, working out my hardest every time. Just getting up early every morning for me is a huge sacrifice. It might be a little evident since I'm writing this entry at nearly one in the morning, but it's all good. I'll compensate, and push through it.

I feel like I'm just about over Kelsey at this point. It was tough for me to lose control of the situation, but I probably deserved it for not jumping on the ball fast enough. I took her out on a date once, and let it slide away from me without going for it. Ryan's doing a lot better job than I could ever do with her. My silent congratulations to him. "You did better than me".

I should probably go ahead and cut it off with that. I want to get back into the routine of posting in here more frequently so I can better document the trend of my actions, thoughts, and emotions. But either way, until next time.

Andrew Woolston

New Year, New Semester, New...Other Things Too

Starting this current semester, I was fairly confident it was going to just be another simple semester. A little work every once in a while, some late nights, etc. But this semester has already, in it's short week-long life, taken all of my other semesters, gathered them all together, tied them up, thrown to them floor, and stomped all over them. Seriously, my classes are brutal. It's not that the subject material is impossibly hard or difficult. It is hard, don't get me wrong, but It's manageable. The hard part about it, is that all of my classes are just throwing me tons of work left and right. Want to know what I have to have done by Wednesday morning? Read about 30 pages in my English book, do an entire Linear Algebra assignment (3-5 hours per), take an online quiz on material I've never seen before. Finish a homework assignment for my discrete mathematics class (I need to go into a help session to get help with a few of the problems), do an ENTIRE project for my CS 236 class, and finish up homework due tomorrow for the same class. It's pretty exciting, let me tell you. I really hope I'll be able to get it all done in time. I've been making goals to get to bed early and get up early, but I may have put that on the backburner for a couple days to get this homework done. We'll see how it all works out.

For sure, it's all a little stressful, but I've gotten so much better at actually handling it and not letting stress take control of me. I'm comfortable managing my time, recognizing what needs to get done, and simply doing it.

A few days ago, I ordered Insanity online, and have started doing it. It's a super tough workout program that is really pushing me to the limit. I did some of the routines on Friday and Saturday, and was sore all weekend. I officially started it this morning, and loved it. It's so tiring, but I truly feel satisfied upon completing it. Like I stated earlier, I've been going to bed a little earlier to wake up earlier to do the program in the morning. I was up by 6 Am this morning doing the routine. Today was my fit test. I'll go ahead and post my results here so that I have some kind of reference.

switch kicks 55
power jacks 53
power knees 82
power jumps 36
globe jumps 8
suicide jumps 12
push-up jacks 17
low-plank oblique 43

I'll check back in every two weeks with a new fit test to see how my results have improved. My ultimate goal is to return home for the summer with 6-pack abs. I've never had really defined abs, and I really want them. We'll see if I can't make it happen.

Funny little story. Remember how I took Kelsey out a little while ago? A couple days later, Ryan Johnson, my roommate comes into my room, all nonchalant-like strikes up small talk, and ultimately asks me "so are you interested in Kelsey"? To which I replied "yeah, why what's up?" He cut off the conversation and now he's totally going after her. I thought it was cute how he is socially inept when it comes to the dating scene and how to handle things. He's embarrassed when people ask him about it, tries to hide it, acts shy - it's really kind of ridiculous. I'm not one at all to cause conflict, so I just backed off to let him do his thing. I seriously doubt he could get to date him more than a few times, but hey, maybe he'll prove me wrong. In the meantime, I'm just trying to be social in the ward, get my name out there. I'm not trying to force the dating scene. I prefer hanging out with groups, getting to know people that way, and THEN go on dates when I find someone with whom I enjoy spending time. It's too hard to do it the other way around.

Well, until next time, when I hopefully don't have super sore thighs anymore =)

Monday, December 14, 2009

So my posts in here aren't terribly frequent, but they're going on often enough that I'm satisfied. I just hate it when I go weeks and months at time without writing anything. I get all these thoughts bouncing around up there, ideas, creativity, and I just need a nice little private outlet to get it all out there.

School's going really well right now. In fact, this is my last week of Fall semester 2009. Exciting stuff. So, finals are upon us. I took my first one, My Psychology 111 final. In reality, it wasn't really a final as much as a regular test. It was worth about half of a regular test, but I still studied my butt off for it. I ended up with a 50/56, which translates to like 89.5. I'm down with that. Nothing to get excited over, but like I said to Daniel, it was a happy "meh". In fact, that wasn't the stressful part of what's been going on thus far. I have all my grades that I've gotten thus far in that class all on a nice little spreadsheet that my professor sent out to us, So I knew exactly how many points I needed for that A I've been working towards all semester. After my test, the only thing left to do is some online quizzes that I've procrastinated on doing until now. I should have been taking one a week, but alas, I'm taking all of them right now. So, I get immediate results, and I know exactly how many points I need. It's that reckless anticipation I despise. I'd rather take a test over all the material and just get it all over with. Oh well. I'll make it happen tomorrow and get my A.

So tonight we had FHE making gingerbread houses. It was nice because Kelsey was there, and for once I felt like I was near 100 % myself, and when I'm able to be myself, I know I'm a lot more fun to be around. But then even stranger...she stayed behind to hang out with us for a little bit following everyone leaving. In addition, she looked great tonight. I get so confused. Was it for me that she stayed behind? If so, why did she do so today and not earlier? GAH. I'm a little baby and I have NO idea why I didn't ask her out a 2nd time for this week. A little late? I dunno. Maybe I'll give her a call tomorrow for a last chance reach. If it's not me, I'm sure I'll figure it out fairly quickly. I hope it is though.

Not too much going on besides that. Just working my butt of this week so I end up with straight A's for the semester. =) Peace out, and good night.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Well would you look at this. Two fairly consecutive posts. I'm just going crazy. I was actually thinking about it, and I would assume I am able to show a little bit more of me when I post more frequently. When the posts aren't made as often, they are more about general facts and less about my feelings and emotions. I guess that would be obvious, but it was just something I thought about today. Exciting, huh?

So I had a super weird dream last night. First, to set the stage, we watched the Muppet Christmas Carol last night with Kelsey Elsholtz and Holly Arbon, so it was super fresh on my mind. In my dream, Fozzie and Gonzo were making me look at grade distributions of some of my classes. Basically, I was at the bottom of every single class with D's and such, and they were just mocking me and making fun of me. It was really a depressing dream.

But school has been going super well still. I say has been, because it is nearly over. Today was actually the last day of classes (even though I slept in a little and missed my psychology class). But, now the fun part really begins as the studying for final commences. I can still get A's in every single one of my classes, which is my goal for right now. I would be perfectly satisfied with a GPA of this semster 3.7+, but ideally, I would really like a 4.0 and just ace this semester. It's definitely possible, and I know I can make it happen. I just have to take advantage of the time I have to study, lock myself away, become antisocial, and study my butt off. It's always depressing to do so in the moment, but so rewarding and worthwhile after the fact - just have to focus on that aspect and not on the other. Tomorrow my EE 124 professor is doing a review session in the morning, and I will definitely be there the entire time. That class has by far been the toughest for me this semester, but I still have a chance of pulling off an A in the class. If I were to get a 100 on the final exam, I would walk away with a 97.5 % for the class (assuming he gives me the 5 % extra credit he is promising us for attendance, student evaluation, etc.)

Having no car makes dating so tough. It makes be creative, which I am utterly horrible at being. That's just not me. I never was the social animal who goes out of his way to organize things to do or activities. That was exactly my opposite. If I was bored at home, I still wouldn't do it. I would always end up waiting on someone else to plan something for me. I have more fun that way anyway. But I'm also not picky at all. As long as I'm somewhere with friends, it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I've always been a little passive like that. Movies especially. It's hard for me to find a movie unenjoyable. I typically walk out of a movie feeling like it was pretty good, while others comment on how they didn't like it. Good trait? Who knows. But the whole dating thing is tough by the way. I totally veered off that topic. I'm thinking I'm going to ask Kelsey out for Tuesday or Wednesday, just something super simple, most likely to "take a break from exams and get lunch". We'll see how that works out. I'm sure I'll be super nervous like I was last time. I've never gone out of my way to ask a girl out multiple times. It always was just something "for fun". But I really like her, and would love to get to know her better.

That's it for me for now. Happy as always, until next time.

Andrew Woolston

Monday, December 7, 2009

Thing's have definitely been going well for me these days. I'm perfectly content with most aspects of my life at this point. But in reality, when I think back to the past, it's a rare occasion for me to not be some shade of content > happy. I find myself a fairly happy guy. I have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to fear, nothing to be sad about, nothing to regret. And you know what? It's really nice like that. Maybe this all means I'll be facing something tough in the future, or possibly that the things I have to deal with now are those tough things. The the thing is is that I'm happy - and that's the real point of it all, isn't it? I'm happy where I am right now. I'm happy that I'm spending time doing things I want to be doing. I really like my major. I enjoy programming, I really enjoy being a nerd/geek/whatever you want to call those hardcore computer fans. That's me - and I'm dang proud of it.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but a month or so ago, I bought this huge book on PHP and MYSQL. I finally broke it out this weekend and started working on it. I've been using my 24onfox.net domain as a practice spot (as well as a home for this blog). Once again, it's funny how much I thoroughly enjoy doing it. It's something I've always wanted to learn, and here I am making basic programs in php. I love it. My goal is to be able to be so fluent that I can make mysql databases with ease, and use php to show it off. I'm looking forward to diving further into the book when I have time.

Time. That's something that's hard to come by these days. Well, really I have lots of it, but not to do the time-wasting things that I so often would like to do. Tomorrow will be one of those buckle down and start prepping for finals. I have a couple last assignments that are going to be a tad time-consuming, but I'll make it happen. But as it is right now, I'm pretty confident going into this finals week. I really feel like I'll do well, like I could really come out of this semester with like a 3.8 or higher. These finals aren't carrying HUGE portions of my grade, 30 % or so on all of them, but that is definitely enough to reason to buckle down and just get it done. Time to hibernate in my little cave and just get it done. So many distractions to get in the way, but nothing's worth it. I've learned that nothing beats good 'ol hard studying. So rewarding.

This past weekend was excellent. I had a very relaxing one. In reality, I didn't even leave the house on Saturday. How awesome is that? I stayed home, finished Otherland, watched some football, worked on some beginning php programming, and that's about it. But you know what's interesting? Usually I feel a little guilty about doing nothing like that. This time I didn't feel a pang of guilt all day. Perfectly content and happy. It was an interesting feeling. Just reinforcing that I'm doing it all right. At least, I feel as if I'm doing it all right.

One night before though, I took a big leap out of my comfort zone - actually asking a girl that I felt like I could have feelings for out on a date. I was so nervous and worked up about asking her out. I honestly felt like I was a little junior, 16 year old asking out a girl for the first time. It was the weirdest thing. I haven't gotten that nervous in so long. Maybe a good thing? But anyway, I asked out Kelsey, the one I mentioned a few posts back that I kind of liked. Thankfully, she made it a little easier on me and mentioned how much fun it would be. We actually went to the First Presidency Devotional on Sunday evening. It turned out to be a great time. She was really fun company. I've hung out with her and her friends a few times, and knew that I liked all their company, but this was the first time I'd paired off with one of them for anything resembling a date. I really felt like we hit it off - she was really fun to be around. She's attractive, a good student, fun to be around, social... well let's go out again! I would really like to go out with her again - I don't really want to do something two weekends in a row, so I think I'll ask her out to lunch or something during final's week. Just something a little more leisurely. Now to just figure out what exactly. We'll see how it all plays out.

Tonight though was super strange. We had an FHE deal up at the Maezer building here on campus, up by the testing center. All 3 (Natalie, Holly, and Kelsey) were together afterwards. I walked up, and it was just super awkward. I don't even know why. I didn't ask Kelsey out to alienate the group. It was just weird, and I didn't like it. Hopefully it was just a 'thing' and it doesn't carry over to the future.

Well - that time again. 8 Am comes early. Until Next time

-Andrew Woolston

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Another one of those times when I really shouldn't be up this late writing in here. But, nonetheless, here I am. This past little while has been a good while. My social life is starting to go up (principally with the girls) and I'm just sincerely happy all the time. Sure, school is stressful, I am up to my eyeballs nearly all the time with stuff I should be doing, but I am just simply happy, and I like it like that. I'm content with life.

This past Tuesday, I hooked back up with the BYU chess club wherein there was a tournament. I didn't want to be a lame-o, so I signed up, threw in my two dollars, and took part. There were only eight people, but I took 3rd place. I was happy about that. I love chess so much, and it was good to be amongst the nerds and geeks like me.

Saturday morning , Tanner and I actually hiked Mount Timpanogos. It was super fun. We weren't able to make it all the way to the top because of all the snow. We reached the big meadow and the snow was so deep, it was up to our waist. We really couldn't go on. Plus we were both freezing, cold, and miserable. It was nice to get off the top and off the snow. Once home, I went to play volleyball with the team I'm doing intermurals with. It was way fun. I was actually playing really well, especially up close to the net. Way fun blocking shots and spiking the ball. Following, I hung out with Stephanie Bahr and Madeline Roll. Nice company. It was a fun night. Then today after church, we had dinner with the same group, then made cookies with Kelsey and the girls in that apartment =). Fun weekend. Back to the grind. Here's a little a poem I wrote right before my CS 235 class started. Time to try to get back into the poetry stuff =)

The Lone Park Bench
By Andrew Woolston
11/5/2009

Alone he sits on this dull park bench
these strangers walk nonchalantly by
convinced he can't see they're judging gaze
coming from their mind's eye

He slouches a little, as if he gave no importance
to their inconspicuous judgments
head cast down, he dreams of other things
another place, another time, another life

Amidst the commotion, another takes a seat
on that dull park bench
she gives him a nervous smile
and glances back at these strangers

Together they sit on that dull park bench
they feel good together, comfortable, happy
the strangers continue to pass by
but these judgments seem less harsh now

Her time to leave has come, she stands
she returns the way she came
struggling amongst the strangers, she seems different
as she pushes against the flow of passersby

They look at her too
But he remains seated